k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
