All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
