my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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