Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
