I wish my penis had an off switch
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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