i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
