last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
