I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
