how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
