so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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