my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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