Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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