...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
