I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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