My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
