It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
