You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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