yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
