Need sex. Gaining weight.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
