This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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