if you like me you must not know who I am
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
