The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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