If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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