Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
