Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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