the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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