My brain says no but my pants say off.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
