im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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