I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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