he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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