I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
