i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
