Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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