He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
