Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
