i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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