If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We're too hungover to prance.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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