i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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