my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
