You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
