this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
