Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
