I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
