This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
