We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
