at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
