Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
