Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
