Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
