Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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