How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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